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"I always say that you don't need lots of friends. You just need people in your life that will encourage you and motivate you ..."
One way to build personal resilience when it comes to life challenges, is to develop a good support network - your circle of influence. A strong support network will prep you at the start line, cheer you on during the toughest laps of your sprints and marathons, celebrate your efforts at the finish line, and do it all again for your next race.
In part three of our five-part post, Toyin speaks to Yaaya about why support networks are both powerful and important, who sits within her circle of influence, and how we can rise by lifting others.
And so the conversation continues …
Because Life Is Not A Solo Act
Yaaya:
How important are networks of support?
Toyin O:
I think it is extremely important. For me personally, I always say that you don't need lots of friends. You just need people in your life that will encourage you and motivate you, even if it is just three people. If you don't have that, it's good that you can find that in different places, as long as they are like-minded people and they have a positive influence on you. It's amazing how much that can push you. Friends will call me to ask for advice on their situation, and by the end of the conversation, they haven't only just learnt from me, I have also learned from them.
Yaaya:
Can you comment on the importance specifically for black girls and women?
Toyin O:
It is important especially for black girls and women. We go through a lot of stuff - it's almost like we have this stigma that we are born with. I mean not only are you a woman, but you are also black. I know times are changing, but it's not changing as fast as they should be. So sometimes it's good to have a woman that has been through those social challenges of being a black woman.
In this day and age, these young girls are growing up and seeing things that are misguiding them, and they need positive people around them to support and help put them back on the right track. Like little girls saying they want to be porn stars, it breaks my heart. And sometimes I feel it's hard when you have older parents, because sometimes you don't want to listen to them. So it's good to just be able to have someone you can just click with.
In this day and age, these young girls are growing up and seeing things that are misguiding them, and they need positive people around them to support and help put them back on the right track. Like little girls saying they want to be porn stars, it breaks my heart. And sometimes I feel it's hard when you have older parents, because sometimes you don't want to listen to them. So it's good to just be able to have someone you can just click with.
Yaaya:
How can role models or those that have gone before us be support networks?
Toyin O:
When you know somebody or somebody from somebody that you can say that you know has done this, or worked there, or started her own business, it gives support and motivation for your own dreams.
Some girl that I know, that I knew while growing up, opened up her own salon. And it's like "woah, she's giving me motivation!" I wanted to start my business years ago, but I was sort of slacking. So now I am seeing loads of black women my age doing well and succeeding. That is encouraging me to work hard and strive. My sister started her own business too.
Some girl that I know, that I knew while growing up, opened up her own salon. And it's like "woah, she's giving me motivation!" I wanted to start my business years ago, but I was sort of slacking. So now I am seeing loads of black women my age doing well and succeeding. That is encouraging me to work hard and strive. My sister started her own business too.
Yaaya:
How do you network to create a great support network?
Toyin O:
There are all these mentoring schemes going on. For example, Sotonye Duri, organises lots of these motivational speaking events, which are great if you are woman that wants to succeed, be empowered, and inspire because you can be mentored by a woman there already doing the same. So that is one of many good ways to gather people around you that have achieved so that they can work alongside you as you work at your own achievements.
Yaaya:
In a previous Question of the Month, Yaaya asked “who/what are your most valuable support networks?” We'd be interested to hear your response.
Toyin O:
My support network is my family. I always tell people, I don't need lots of friends. I have four sisters that love me regardless, so if you don't want to be my friend, I am not bothered.
I am so close to my family, and my partner has a big family as well. So we're both really family-oriented, and that's where we get our support from. I know regardless of what happens to me, or what happens in my life, my family will always be there. They are not going to judge me, so whatever I am going through, I know I can always go to them. So they are my greatest support. Whether I am starting a new job, or a starting my own business, they are the ones that will be cheering "go Toyin, go Toyin!" (Laughs).
I want to say, that even you don't have a close family, you can have friends that are like family. You just need a close circle of friends that will support you.
I am so close to my family, and my partner has a big family as well. So we're both really family-oriented, and that's where we get our support from. I know regardless of what happens to me, or what happens in my life, my family will always be there. They are not going to judge me, so whatever I am going through, I know I can always go to them. So they are my greatest support. Whether I am starting a new job, or a starting my own business, they are the ones that will be cheering "go Toyin, go Toyin!" (Laughs).
I want to say, that even you don't have a close family, you can have friends that are like family. You just need a close circle of friends that will support you.
Lift As We Rise
Yaaya:
How important do you think it is to mentor others, especially black girls and women?
Toyin O:
I think it is very important. If you are in a position to help people, you should always do it. I feel like if you are reaching goals, you should always help other people come up as well. You shouldn't just want to only succeed by yourself. If you have learned something, impart your knowledge onto other people. That's why I always use my life as an example when I talk to people. If I am doing something well, why should I be keeping it a secret, because I would want others to do well too.
When I see my younger sisters' friends, I give them advice as well. If I see them slacking, I feel it is important to encourage them. Without you realising, these kids are looking up to you, and they've allowed you to have a platform in their lives where you can teach them how to do things better, how to be better, and to believe they can be successful.
The world shows them they can't, that they have to fit a certain criteria to be successful. So you have to constantly remind them that regardless of what the world or media says to them, they can be anything. You can be a dark-skinned woman and be the CEO of a company, and if you don't want to be the CEO of somebody else's company, create your own!
When I see my younger sisters' friends, I give them advice as well. If I see them slacking, I feel it is important to encourage them. Without you realising, these kids are looking up to you, and they've allowed you to have a platform in their lives where you can teach them how to do things better, how to be better, and to believe they can be successful.
The world shows them they can't, that they have to fit a certain criteria to be successful. So you have to constantly remind them that regardless of what the world or media says to them, they can be anything. You can be a dark-skinned woman and be the CEO of a company, and if you don't want to be the CEO of somebody else's company, create your own!
Woman In The Mirror
Yaaya:
Looking at a younger version of yourself, what do you want to say to her?
Toyin O:
Be happy because everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to be. I feel like I can have no regrets because they girl that I was at say, ten years old, has helped shape the woman that I today.
The only thing I would have told my younger self is "just relax", because I stressed out a lot, especially when I was looking for a job. Whether it was the positive or negative things, everything worked out for this moment. So I am just grateful, so I just feel it is important to savour every moment.
I guess I feel like I should have told myself to stop stressing and enjoy life more because everything has worked out fine.
The only thing I would have told my younger self is "just relax", because I stressed out a lot, especially when I was looking for a job. Whether it was the positive or negative things, everything worked out for this moment. So I am just grateful, so I just feel it is important to savour every moment.
I guess I feel like I should have told myself to stop stressing and enjoy life more because everything has worked out fine.
Yaaya:
Imagine being an older version of yourself, what would say to present day self?
Toyin O:
I told you you were going to be successful! (Laughs). I told you, I told you!
Yaaya:
Preach!
Stay connected for the penultimate part of our conversation with Toyin, where we discuss her social and cultural identity as a woman raised in Britain by traditional Nigerian parents. In this part of the interview, we also dispute the notion that ‘black is a behaviour’ and discuss why being the token black person might not be such a bad thing. Like this post? Leave your comments below to continue to support Yaaya’s vision of providing platforms to voice powerful stories of incredible women like Toyin. Invite others to join the conversation by sharing this post!
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